I Love You Guys - Act 2

ACT 2, Scene 1

Room is neat. A flowered sheet covers with surf boards, etc. Potted plants accent the room. Police tape is off the door. Sound of car approaching. Car lights illuminate the driveway and through the window stage left. Two people are sleeping in the bed. They are mostly hidden by sheets and blankets. Low snoring can be heard. Low voices, off stage left.

Annette: Turn off the lights, Jake.

Jake: We’ve got to be certain.

Annette: I know. Just wait for the password.

Female Voice from house: Are there clouds in the high desert?

Annette (whispering): There it is.

Jake: Only the red-tailed hawk knows for sure.

Annette and Jake approach. Both are in their 40s. Annette is husky and wears outdoor clothes, very tidy. Jake’s got a crew cut, a fanny pack at his right hip, and wears a long-sleeved jacket.

Jake: Where are they? Williams, right?

Annette: Yeah, Stefan and Eleanor Williams. Pickup is their daughter Ginny, short for Virginia.

Ginny and Daniel emerge.

Jake: We’re Jake and Annette, from Gossamer Transport. You two don’t look old enough to have a daughter. But people start earlier...Right, Annie?

Ginny and Daniel smile at one another.

Ginny: We aren’t...I mean haven’t...I mean don’t.

David: I’m afraid there’s been a change of plans. She’s Ginny Williams. I am her boyfriend Daniel Wickham and you’re authorized to...

Ginny: Oh, Daniel, we can’t do this, I mean, I just can’t. They’re learning; aren’t they learning, Daniel? They’re changing, right? They love me; don’t they love me? Isn’t that enough.

Annette: Please explain yourself.

Daniel: Virginia, we’ve already discussed this.

Ginny: But can’t we discuss it again?

Daniel: No, darling, we can’t. Remember what the Judge said, for parents operating to this degree of co-dependency, there’s no alternative. [addressing Jake and Annette] You’re instructed to transport Ginny’s parents, Stefan and Eleanor Williams, to Third Nature Wilderness Program where they will be learn to administer proper parenting.

Annette: This isn’t protocol, Mr. Wickley...

Daniel: Wickham.

Annette: Wickham, of course. Ms. Williams, could you provide proof of your authorization? You’re saying a Judge is involved.

Jake: Annie, we can’t be pickin’ up the parents. It’s just not right.

Ginny: You’re right, Mr. ...

Jake: Upton.

Daniel: No, Mr. Upton, you’re wrong. Parents design the cliffs their children to jump off. Ginny and I have debated this for months. We’ve totally run out of strategies. We’re not getting anywhere. Are we darling?

Ginny: I, I, all they need is some sleep. Daniel, maybe tomorrow – tomorrow they’ll be better. Dad can set limits; Mom will stop being a self-inflicted punching bag...

Daniel: Sure, you’re right. They’re going to change 17 years of rotten habits without intervention.

Pause.

Ginny: What am I saying? Daniel’s right. We’ve taken away their privilege-granting, even threatened to move me in with a foster family. Nothing shakes them. They are totally unable to parent without harming me.

Daniel: And it’s wearing on everyone. Ginny hardly has the energy to be a compliant daughter. They’re literally pushing her to fail.

Annette: Give me a second, Jake.

Daniel: Ginny, the certified copy of the Order.

Ginny hands a copy to Daniel, who hands it to Annette, who reads it over.

Annette: I don’t know Jake. Everything appears to be in order. I mean the presiding judge issued an order authorizing [reading from the Order] “Ms. Virginia Williams to transport her parents to Third Nature.” And we’re specifically instructed to follow her directives.

Ginny (to Daniel): This is so uncool.

Daniel: I know, but remember how much harm they’re doing themselves.

Ginny: I know, Daniel, I know, but this step is so drastic. My father without his precious foodstuffs and unstable clients. My mother without her daily diet of non-essential anxiety. It’s too miserable...

Jake: If there is some doubt as to your plans, we’ll just return to base.

Ginny: No!

Daniel: They deserve an opportunity to raise Ginny while she’s still young enough to love them.

Annette: Fair enough. Where are they?

Daniel: They’re sleeping in this bedroom.

Jake: Why out here, away from the house?

Daniel: They moved out to Ginny’s room and moved Ginny into their room as a form of...what’d they call it, Ginny?

Ginny: Reverse punishment. They thought if I had their privileges, and they had my restrictions, it would create family unity.

Jake: That’s some wacky parenting.

Annette: So this is the only window? Is there an attic? Is either armed?

Daniel: There’s a door in the rear, but I taped it up. Ginny didn’t want any accidents. The room has no attic. Mrs. Williams sleeps with a large metal flashlight. That’s it.

Annette: Jake, you got your tools?

Jake: Do you really think I’ll need ‘em. Christ, Annie, these are parents.

Annette: Think about it, Jake, we’ve been pickin’ up kids for, what, 20 years? Are these the first parents you can think of that needed transporting?

Jake: Good point.

Jake leaves.

Annette: I know this is hard, Ms. Williams, but they’re going to be fine. And from what I’ve heard, Third Nature’s an excellent choice.

Ginny: I know. I really, do. It’s just difficult to think of them separated from their comfort zones.

Jakes returns, now with a fanny pack at his waist.

Jake: Sure, they think of it as comfort…rotting in a stew of drugs and premarital sex...

Annette: Wrong script, tiger.

Jake: I mean in a stew of mature Cabernet and sexual estrangement.

Daniel: Jake’s right, darling. You know what the counselor said: the medicine won’t work if it tastes good.

Jake: Ok, Ms. Williams.

Ginny: Call me Ginny.

Jake: Ok, Ginny. I’d like you to stand at my right shoulder, and after we enter the room, say, “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Jake and Annette. They’d like to talk to you.”

Ginny: OK, 3 o’clock at your shoulder. But if I’m that sweet to her, Mom’s likely to offer me a plate of lasagna, which I wouldn’t eat because I’m off carbs.

Annette: We can use an alternative approach if you think it’d be more effective.

Ginny whispers to Annette who quietly discusses Ginny’s approach with Jake.

Jake: Ok, we’ll adapt.

ACT 2, Scene 2

Jake unlocks the bedroom door and turns on the light.

Ginny (reading from the piece of paper): Mom, Dad, I’ve obtained a judge’s order to remove you from home to a program to teach you to parent firmly, fairly, and without co-dependence.

Stefan (barely sitting up; wearing sleeping mask): What? Judge Assinwipe? I am not being disrespectful. I’m trying to direct you to my firm’s...[starts to mumble].

Stefan goes back to sleep.

Annette: Stick to the script.

Daniel: Do it, Ginny.

Ginny: Mom, Dad, you’re going to need to dress warmly. Plan on leaving in the next 10 minutes.

Eleanor: Virginia, what are you talking about? As you can see, we’re sleeping on your not very comfortable bed. Stefan, see about replacing this mattress tomorrow. Sealy’s got a sale. Virginia, who are these nice people? You haven’t introduced them.

Stefan (sitting up and removing his sleeping mask): El, what’s all this noise in the courtroom...I mean bedroom? Who are these people?

Jake: Ginny, let him have it.

Ginny: Dad, meet Jake Upton and Annette Ashley They’re employees of Gossamer Transport who’ve been hired to deliver you to Third Nature Wilderness Program to assist you in learning how to be better parents. When you’ve finished the program, you can come home. It’s been approved by Superior Court Judge Kastner.

Pause.

Stefan (laughing): Kid, you almost got me. But you made a mistake – and now I got you. Kastner’s my old law partner. Both his kids went into meltdown prior to graduating. He and Ellen used a wilderness program to knock some sense into them and now both are graduate students. Betsy’s engaged to a pharmacist. Steve wouldn’t any more order your mother and me into treatment than he would attend himself.

Ginny: Dad, remember the summer the Kastners rented their house? They were voluntarily attending Third Nature.

Eleanor: But, darling, that’s just the point. They went voluntarily. And as you may not know, they had a range of issues (Stef, remember her drinking and his carousing?). They needed some time off. We’re your parents, darling. We don’t need anything but you, our home, and our lives.

[In the meantime, Jake has handed Stefan a copy of the Order.]

Stefan: That no good, self-righteous son-of-a-bitch, how dare he think he can order me to treatment. I’ll show him. I’ll get a contravening order to quash, squash, and kick the shit out of his piece of crap. I want to call my lawyer.

Eleanor: Darling, you are a lawyer.

Stefan: Well, then I’m due a phone call. El, go inside and get me my cell phone. I’ve got Steve’s home number. We’ll get this misunderstanding worked out in a jiffy.

Jake: Annette, that Judge was so right. These people live in a bubble.

Eleanor: Darling, I can’t do anything. This man’s holding my arm. Would you please unhand be so I can get my husband’s cell phone so he can call the Judge, and we can return to bed?

Annette: Mrs. William, I’m Annette; this is Jake. You will be held in our custody until you are delivered to Third Nature. This will require your cooperation or we are authorized to use reasonable force to achieve the Court’s objective.

Stefan: COURT! SCHMORT! You aren’t taking us anywhere. As my daughter’s already informed you, I know Tai Chi, and am a master at the deadly Flying Frog.

Ginny: Daaad, this is no time to relive your youth. You haven’t practiced Tai Chi since I was nine.

Stefan: Back away Eleanor. I don’t want you to get hurt. [To himself] All movement must come from the center. All life is real or un-real; you choose [in an oriental accent] motherfucker.

Jake: Annette, reverse on two.

Stefan crouches down and starts an intensely high humming. He then starts make frog noises, which grow increasingly louder. Just before they reverse positions, he flies at Annette with his hands like claws in front of his face.

Ginny: Dad!

Daniel: Mr. Williams!

Jake: One, two.

On two, Jake and Annette reverse positions and Mr. Williams falls to the floor, smashing himself into the ground. Jake immediately sits on him, handcuffing his hands behind him.

Stefan (muffled by the carpet): Get off me! Get off me right now!

Jake: Mr. Williams, any further violence and I’m authorized to resort to leg-irons.

Eleanor: Steve authorized leg-irons?

Daniel: It was just an option, Mrs. Williams.

Eleanor: Stefan, how am I going to hold my head up at tomorrow’s bridge game? Ellen will be there and though you told me that Judge’s wives aren’t supposed to discuss their husbands’ cases, she does it all the time. Did you know that Mr. Samuels across the street has been in Steve’s court three times for being a jack or a germ or something?

Ginny: A john, Mom. He cruises the City for prostitutes. Everyone in the neighborhood knows. He tried to pick me up once until he realized who I was.

Eleanor: What’s Ellen going to say about us?

Stefan: There isn’t going to be any bridge game tomorrow.

Stefan has gotten to his feet. His face is bloody.

Eleanor: Oh, lord.

Jake: Annette, administer some first aid to Mr. Williams.

Stefan: I don’t need your god-damned first aid.

Annette: There’s no need for that kind of language.

Jake: Please be a model to your daughter, Mr. Williams. This will be the last time you see her for over 6 months.

Stefan: But my caseload, I’ve got an early appointment with Hector. And then there’s my seasonal mushroom delivery that’s coming on Friday.

Eleanor That’s right, Ginny, your father was going to make Homemade Ricotta and Mushroom raviolis. You and Daniel are, were, invited.

Stefan: So were the Kastners. Now I’d like to feed the prick some Devil’s Caps.

Jake: It’s generally inadvisable to make threats against judicial officers, Mr. Williams. Ms. Williams, Daniel, would you please step outside while we prepare Ginny’s parents for transport.

Annette: Jake, I’ll take Mrs., if you’d take Mr. Williams.

Stefan (to Ginny): Oh for god’s sake. You’re not really going through with this, are you? Look, Darling, can’t they just leave us a manual or something. We promise to read it first thing tomorrow morning...

Eleanor: Remember, Stefan, we have plans to go sailing after church.

Stefan: Sure, whatever. We’ll take a test.

Eleanor: Yes, Stefan aces tests. He can do the New York Times crossword in less than 15 minutes.

Stefan: Actually 13.

Annette: It doesn’t work that way, Mr. and Mrs. Williams. Jake, why don’t you and Mr. William step outside while I help Mrs. Williams dress.

Black out.

ACT 2, Scene 3

Annette and Eleanor are now outside. The bedroom is dark. Eleanor is dressed in heavy clothes. Jake emerges from the bedroom with Stefan over his shoulder, who appears to be knocked out.

Ginny: What happened?

Eleanor: Stefan, are you alright?

Jake: Annie, get the heavy blanket from the car. I had to taser him. [Turning to Ginny] He went into that crouching Frog thing again.

Eleanor: Flying Frog.

Jake: Right, Flying Frog. Anyway, this time he came at me with pieces of glass – apparently from a broken window. I used strict protocol. I announced 3 times my intent to stun him, including a full recitation of the possibly disabling effects. Annie, the blanket.

Annette leaves and returns momentarily, while the others show concern for Stefan. Jake lays Stefan down on the blanket.

Eleanor: Honey, the Judge ordered this. You know what you always told me: Justice is a just Black Olive Stuffed with an Idiot.

Ginny: What if he dies? People die all the time from those things. Mom, how’s his heart?

Eleanor: His heart? I don’t know anything about his heart.

Pause.

Jake: I used just enough voltage to remove the threat.

Daniel leans down to check Stefan’s breathing.

Daniel: He’s fine. His breathing’s just a little labored.

Stefan: What’s going on? Where am I?

Ginny: Dad, you’re at home. You’ve been ordered to attend Third Nature Wilderness Program by your former law partner, Judge Kastner. You and Mom have dressed for the trip to Utah.

Stefan: A trip to Utah, you don’t say? Ginny, we’d like you to come – but you’ll need to finish your chores and your homework before you go. And, Daniel, it’s always a pleasure to see you, but Ginny’s got work right now. She’s preparing for a family trip.

Ginny: No, Dad, this trip is just for you and Mom. You’re going to learn to be parents again.

Stefan: Ha! Now that’s good one. I learned to be a parent the moment I saw your bright green eyes emerge from your mother. You had needs then and craved love and guidance. And though your needs have changed, the craving for love and guidance has not.

Annette: That’s exactly right, Mr. Williams.

Ginny: Look, Mr. Upton, Ms. Ashley, I don’t know what happened in there, but my father’s a new man, I mean a new parent. Daniel, wouldn’t you agree?

Daniel: There certainly seems to be some kind of transformation.

Jake: What do you think, Annette? Guy seems to be parenting from the heart.

Annette: I don’t know, Jake.

Ginny: So it’s decided, then, my parents can stay home? They don’t have to go to Third Nature?

Annette: Jake, let me call base to determine protocol under these circumstances.

Jake: Good idea, Annie.

While Annette calls, Jake whispers to Daniel. As Eleanor comforts Stefan, Daniel whispers to Ginny.

Ginny: Do you really think it’s necessary?

Daniel: We’ve got to be certain, honey.

Ginny: Daddy, can I ask you a favor?

Stefan: Sure, darling, just so long as it’s reasonable.

Ginny: Instead of going with you to Utah, can I skip school tomorrow and go to the mountains with Danny and my friends? There’s won’t be any drug use while we’re there. Or drinking...[Ginny smiles broadly at Stefan.]

Stefan: Is this important to you, Ginny?

Ginny: It’s very important, Daddy?

Stefan: Don’t you want to travel as a family to Utah?

Ginny: You know how important my friends are, Daddy.

Stefan: Are your homework and chores all done?

Ginny: No, Daddy. But I’ll finish them when I get back. I promise.

Stefan: Well then, OK.

Pause. All the parties stare at each other.

Jake: I knew it.

Eleanor: Knew what?

Jake: Nice try Mr. Williams. Your husband’s faking. Given a chance to cave in and give Ginny what she wanted, no matter how unreasonable, he couldn’t resist. Could you Mr. Williams?

Ginny: How could you Daddy?

Stefan (He immediately leaps up): I’m not going to any fucking wilderness program, you bastards. Run, Eleanor, run!

Stefan runs off stage, screaming, followed by Jake.

Stefan: I’m not leaving my beautiful kitchen to you pricks! My mushroom delivery’s not going to rot on the front porch! My parenting’s fine; in fact it’s perfect! So what if I’ve given Ginny everything she wants! She’s happy, isn’t she? My first stop is Kastner’s house where I’m going to kick his ass clear to Utah.

Noises of Jake and Stefan struggling.

Stefan: No you don’t! Noooooo you don’t! [Mumbling.]

Jake and Stefan enter. Stefan’s wearing a straight jacket. There’s a gag in his mouth.

Jake: Sometimes the only way to silence a lawyer is to shut his mouth. Right, Mr. Williams?

Stefan mumbles loudly.

Jake: He won’t hurt anyone now.

Annette: It looks like everything’s under control. We’ll be leaving.

Ginny and Daniel: Thank you; Thanks so much.

Ginny: We appreciate your help.

Daniel: We really do.

Annette leaves with Jake and Mr. and Mrs. Williams. Ginny and Daniel hold each other.

Ginny: Do you really think they’ll come back to me?

Ginny starts to weep, quietly at first, and then gradually more and more. Daniel puts her arms around her.

Eleanor (from off-stage): Ginny, your Dad says he loves you. [Ginny looks up in her parents’ direction.]

Ginny (heard as the car is leaving): I love you guys.